An Island of Reality in an Ocean of Diarrhea

For the past few weeks I have been obsessed with Jason Mraz's Details in the Fabric. It's one of those songs that just reaches in and touches my soul. Seriously, the song is like crack.
I have been trying to sort out my emotions toward a certain someone, and it's somewhere between: what-the-hell?! and, I still love him. The latter is a huge problem because he does not love me back. Again. I don't know how, but I find myself in these situations where I would do anything for a guy and he just doesn't reciprocate the feeling. I know that. He knows that. He knows I know that. What.the.hell.is.wrong.with.me?
I have also been informed that I am self-centered. Twice in one week, by two completely different people thousands of miles apart. It must be true. Bad week for the ego and self-esteem alike.
One of the intern girls came over for dinner tonight. I was attempting to put up the Christmas tree when the bottom quarter of the lights refused to work. So I decided to go out and buy new ones and invited her for lasagne and salad. She's such a sweet girl. Nobody would ever call her self-centered... There I go comparing myself again. I should follow suit in the whole identifying myself thing. I fear I am far too dependent on other people to decifer what is really me. But, this blog is for me to really demonstrate individualism. To myself and all you random others who happen to stumble upon my page. I wonder what you think about me this far.
I occasionally hit that "next blog" button and have seen some incredible people doing amazing things with their lives. One couple retired and moved to Mexico, helping motherless puppies survive and fixing up an old mexican adobe house. Ahh, what it must be like to just pick up and go. One day.
I have so much to do and have an overwheming amount of anxiety to get it all done. Not enough hours in the day or enough dollars in the account. I hope I can make Christmas good, I wish my family and I were closer. There appears to be a negative amount of love in this house. If it weren't for my daugter, we'd all hate each other. How sad.
Can we say negativity?
I'm workin on it. Really.

Aye Carumba!

I have so much to do! I feel as if I could never possibly accomplish everything I want to with the quality effort I set out with! Can I just let out a nice, loud SCREAMM?! AH! This time of year sucks more and more the older I get. How can anyone like buying gifts for every person they love, knowing the person might not like it, AND be happy about wrapping and packing them to mail them off hoping they arrive on time? Not to mention the maddness of shopping ON top of things like FINALS, stressed out co-workers, friends, family and yours truly! I just don't get it.

Well, holy rant and rave. No idea where that came from.

I got nothing else. It's been a long day, been up since 5, worked an 8 hour shift, did hw for two hours, dinner, bath, and then hw for another 3.5 hrs. 7 more classes, 7 more classes, 7 more classes and I can have something to show.

God. Strength. Please.

Fairies are disguised as butterflies and flowers, that's why it's so strange to see one out of season....

The woman in charge at work decided to read the pre-schoolers a book without pictures about fairies and their adventures of fighting evil and saving the good fairies from an unfortunate death. The line above came straight from the book, and I kid you not, last week there was a butterfly in my room. [temperatures are below freezing, and there's a butterfly in my room?!] At first I thought it was a bit of a pest. But after about 3 days of coming into my room to my butterfly (who I named "Betsy") I began to feel sorry for the creature. No, I do not believe that my butterfly was a fairy, but I felt sorry for the little beauty as she was limited to a few days to see the world and she was trapped in my blase' room. I felt genuinely bad, so I decided to let Betsy out of my room so she could at least have the rest of the house to fly around in. I was afraid to let her outside because she would freeze in no time at all. After letting her out (careful not to touch her wings because someone told me when I was little that the oils on our hands damage the wings.. not sure if it's true.. ) I let her out and she flew around for about 20 seconds and then flew directly back into my room. That's when I decided to name her. Anyway, I haven't seen her today, so I'm sure she's dead somewhere on my floor. How sad am I to mourn the death of a butterfly...

I'm not sure why, but I'm glad I can have feelings for such an insignificant living thing. I'm glad I could never hunt, or fish because I can't even stomach killing a worm. I say this, and yet I eat meat, all meat from innocent living animals but I wouldn't if I had to kill it myself.

I am highly considering becoming a vegetarian.

Another sign?

I can't believe four days off has already passed me by. I feel as if I got a decent amount accomplished, but not enough for the time given. There was so much I could have done. I really need to change that mindset. I am quite pleased with doing about four weeks of homework in four days. Although I wish I had the attention span to do the homework during the four week span like normal people. I don't know why I procrastinate so much. It's harder to cram it all into four days than it is to just do it when it's assigned. Much more stressful as well. Another thing to add to that list of things to do to make myself perfect. I am very much aware that I will never achieve perfection. Doesn't hurt to try though, does it?

I have a memory tied to the word "perfection." Anytime I hear or use the word I always think of this night in a cozy, spacious Georgian home. If I were to live the "southern life" I would imagine I would want my home to be much like this was. Anyway, back on track. We were having a youth discussion when I was about 14 or 15, and I was tossing around my new found beliefs (I had just started going to church, and it was a whole new world for me). I'll never forget this particular question, a good friend of mine asked the youth pastor, Danny, "How do we know the Bible is real? What if the stories are just made up and it's not real?" Danny paused for a moment and with a tilted head and a half-smirk said, "If I'm right, you've gambled and lost your soul to an eternity in hell. If you're right all I've lost is a lifetime striving for perfection." Ever since that word has been tagged with that memory. I went on to accept Jesus Christ into my heart, only to reject him about two years later. I haven't talked to God in years.

I wish that memory had more meaning than it does. I wish I had a relationship with God. I wish I was gambling for Danny's side. For the first time in years, I am starting to wonder if it's possible that God does exist. It's kinda of coincidental which makes me question myself even more. It always is when someone walks into your life out of no where and lives a life for God, but doesn't even have to tell you. When you can see someone has such a relationship with God by their actions, you know that's faith. Being a Christian, I have found, is the hardest thing in the universe to do, and I have respect for people with religion. But I'm just not there yet. Christians would say that Satan has destroyed my relationship. But I'm just not there.

I really didn't intend for this blog to go there. But it's something that's been on my mind quite a lot recently...

Sing me a pretty song, paint me a happy picture.

You know that place you go to, right before you fall asleep? The state of pure relaxation where your mind is just drifting through the days events, and your body is finally, still. Ahh bliss.

If you know how that feels, then you know what it's like to be ripped out of it by a phone call, text, a loud noise or even a thought that seemed real.

The feeling of sudden awareness, the incredible change from bliss to reality, is how I feel. I had a plan, and now I don't. I had a thought, a dream and now someone else has ripped it away and I am forced to improvise. This is life. I'm not complaining.

In other news, we had Thanksgiving today. On Friday. It was unclear who was buying the turkey, and before I knew it, it was Thursday and we were turkey-less. So I got up this morning and bought a bird, thawed it, cooked it and we had Thanksgiving on a Friday. That's how I roll.

I'm off to drift. Hopefully to drift in happy, stress-free thoughts. But you can still call...

I won!

Today at work, I won a gift basket!! I'm just thrilled that I actually won. I never win.

I also found out that my dad put in to retire in September. Since he is opting to retire early, Lt. Col. JerkHead will probably drop all charges and leave my dad to finish out his sentence in peace.

September is going to come fast, and I have this horrible feeling that I'm not ready to go. I'm not ready to pay the bills and accumulate the debt, because, lets be honest- childcare is not a profession that pays enough to survive while in an economic crisis. For one, both Caelyn and I will not have medical insurance and if we stay here we will. England has a nationalized health care plan and I think it's great!! If the US had this, I wouldn't have been out 6 grand in medical bills because my kid got viral pneumonia and had a seizure. At 19 months she stopped breathing and turned blue. Of course I called 911, and took a 900$ trip to an ER where we sat for 7 hours (with a sick baby that just wanted to go home) took 4 x-rays (at 40$ each) and never saw a doctor, but I was charged 474$ just to get his message from a nurse. SO, GO OBAMA! I'm all for it. But it will take a long time for the states to adjust.

On another note, I don't know where I'm going to live. There are some kinda, sorta, maybe ideas that I've been tossing around. I could move to California, my "home" and live with my mom and her son and sister in her 3 bedroom condo. Or, I could move up to Indiana and stare at corn fields while my dad cleans my great-grampas house and tries to sell it. Then there's going back to Florida where Caelyn's dad is and where my dad will retire. But, I think I would like some distance between her dad and I. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't living in the same house. Or, I could stay here. I am leaning more towards staying here. Especially if I don't have my degree by the time I go. I have 7 classes left and I should be able to have it done by September, but you never know.

Decisions, decisions. I wish I wasn't so indecisive. Maybe I'll just pick a random place I've never lived and dive in. Colorado sounds nice... but if I'm going to go somewhere I've never been.. Why not Italy, or Spain? I've got a lot of thinking to do.

It Could be Worse. Everyone's still alive!

I'm sure there's a rule about blogging when you're angry. Or scared. Or like you want to beat someone over the head with a baseball bat. Or when you want to beat a Lt. Col. over the head with a baseball bat. Or feeling any "negative" emotion stronger than normal.

Some people are just the nasty slushy snow out to ruin a pretty picture. This person just so happens to be a COMMANDER that can do whatever he pleases with whomsoever lives he pleases. This commander has no idea about me, or my daughter or that the person he's mad at is my dad, my lifeline for the time being. He wants to force my dad to retire from the airfoce in April of 2010 when he's not due to retire until Feb 2011. This may be selfish, but this is such a HUGE setback for me! I'm not ready.

And the reason this good for nothing dirty playing fool wants to do this?

Drum roll please....

My dad used his government card ON ACCIDENT for a twenty dollar purchase. That's right folks, ruining lives and causing months, possibly years of financial and academic setbacks for 20 dollars. Some people have no souls.

So yes, Lt. Col ____ ROT IN HELL. (names are not used to protect the guilty)

I'm still angry. But I digress. In other news, I found 45$ of my $160 stolen dollars in my brothers wallet last night. I also found an ipod, "To Brandon, Merry Christmas - Love Mom and Dad." My brothers name is not Brandon. I have a thieving brother. Don't thieves grow up to GO TO JAIL? I thought so. How could he be so ignorant? Anyway, I am returning the ipod to his school in the hopes that it is returned to its rightful owner. My 16 year old brother decided to throw a fit when he opened his wallet this morning. Reminded me a lot of when he was 3. I have a strange feeling that he is never going to grow up, and that he really is on a path of destruction. I've tried tough love, I've tried talking to him like an adult. I've tried nurturing and forgetting about the things he does without conscience. There's no getting through to him. He's as gone as the ocean is wide. I wish something would happen to him to make him realize that he's not beyond authority. That he will be caught, and prosecuted one day. Because guilty people do pay one way or another.

This is a very negative blog, and I am disappointed with myself. I have been making a very conscious effort to flip my negative thinking and have failed miserably today. Life has a way of doing that to people. I want to be the person that is smiling even though I've just had my heart broken. I want to be optimimistc when the world is ending, I want to pull it together and be stronger than I've ever been. Because, while there is no doubt in my mind that everything will work out in the end, I let the stress run me over and the fear consume me and start thinking the worst.

So, here's to a better day tomorrow. May the anger melt away, and the fear subside. Let positive-ness wash over me and wisdom to make the right choices be within reach.