Another sign?

I can't believe four days off has already passed me by. I feel as if I got a decent amount accomplished, but not enough for the time given. There was so much I could have done. I really need to change that mindset. I am quite pleased with doing about four weeks of homework in four days. Although I wish I had the attention span to do the homework during the four week span like normal people. I don't know why I procrastinate so much. It's harder to cram it all into four days than it is to just do it when it's assigned. Much more stressful as well. Another thing to add to that list of things to do to make myself perfect. I am very much aware that I will never achieve perfection. Doesn't hurt to try though, does it?

I have a memory tied to the word "perfection." Anytime I hear or use the word I always think of this night in a cozy, spacious Georgian home. If I were to live the "southern life" I would imagine I would want my home to be much like this was. Anyway, back on track. We were having a youth discussion when I was about 14 or 15, and I was tossing around my new found beliefs (I had just started going to church, and it was a whole new world for me). I'll never forget this particular question, a good friend of mine asked the youth pastor, Danny, "How do we know the Bible is real? What if the stories are just made up and it's not real?" Danny paused for a moment and with a tilted head and a half-smirk said, "If I'm right, you've gambled and lost your soul to an eternity in hell. If you're right all I've lost is a lifetime striving for perfection." Ever since that word has been tagged with that memory. I went on to accept Jesus Christ into my heart, only to reject him about two years later. I haven't talked to God in years.

I wish that memory had more meaning than it does. I wish I had a relationship with God. I wish I was gambling for Danny's side. For the first time in years, I am starting to wonder if it's possible that God does exist. It's kinda of coincidental which makes me question myself even more. It always is when someone walks into your life out of no where and lives a life for God, but doesn't even have to tell you. When you can see someone has such a relationship with God by their actions, you know that's faith. Being a Christian, I have found, is the hardest thing in the universe to do, and I have respect for people with religion. But I'm just not there yet. Christians would say that Satan has destroyed my relationship. But I'm just not there.

I really didn't intend for this blog to go there. But it's something that's been on my mind quite a lot recently...