Learning to Teach

I am learning to be a teacher. I am learning the techniques and developmental factors, I am learning how and why a child learns. I get to impact the development of children every single day. Every single day. My job is valuable. My job is important. My job is crucial. I should really stop underestimating my position in this world.

I often ask myself if this is really what I want, or if this is just my reaction to what I have been handed. I love the kids, I love the feeling of teaching I love watching them succeed and I love being the trusted adult they love and cherish. But then there are days I really ask myself if this is my niche. If this is what I'm "cut out" to do. I sometimes feel I do not have the characteristics a good teacher has.

I am so lacking in confidence.

'Ah, patience young one' you say. Is twenty-one old enough to know? Can 21 years of experience know anything? Am I taking a risk or am I settling? I feel content as long as I am doing. I am not settling or pretending to provide a happy life for myself and daughter. I am excited as hell to be in charge of my own room. I just hope I don't get bored of this like I do with things, like I do with jobs and people and so on.

Oh dearie me. Class all weekend. I'm excited, if only I could be a grown up twenty-one year old and have my homework all done. I'm learning. Always learning, trying, testing, failing, and trying again.

Emotional Trainwreck.

what.the.hell.should.I.do?

I can't stop thinking, even for a second about the choice I am faced with. Do I follow my head, again? Or, do I go with the romantic approach and go with what my heart so desperately wants? I am aching for some way to know what I should do.

I can't shake this feeling. I am on the verge of tears at any given moment, and I can say that I do not cry often.

It was never supposed to be this hard. I was not taught or prepared to deal with these kinds of scenarios. Instead I learned a bunch of pointless shit that does not help me one bit in making the biggest, hardest decisions of my life..

What the fuck is going on? I can't THINK. I can't breathe. I can't move in myself. I am so overwhelmed with life, and I can't even think clearly to sort it out.

I just don't know. I cannot find it in me to be positive when I can't even be sure of what kind of living, financial and relationship situation I will be in only 5 months. Everything is going to change.

So, I have not been very good at writing recently. Life has gotten the best of my time and I haven't had a second to swim in my thoughts. So much has happened and right now doesn't even feel real.

Things started getting messy when there was talk of my dad getting out of the AF earlier than expected. Now he knows for sure that he will be separating in May. That leaves me to fly the nest. To support myself and my daughter. The twinge I get just thinking about it. Will I be able to do this? And in another country? With only the few friends I have as a support system? I keep telling myself I can before I get too bogged down in the overwhelming sense of "can't." I will be moving in with a friend for a few months while her husband is deployed. After that there's no telling what may happen.

My heart has been stolen. That's right. New years eve I went to London with a guy I know from passing at work. He and I started talking (through facebook..) and he asked me to go to London with him on New Years, and I said yes. It was the most perfect date I have ever had or could ever plan. He is a single dad and an amazing one at that. He is the guy of my dreams, and for some crazy reason he likes me too! I'm just waiting for it to all to fall apart, because that's how things work for me. I am trying not to be too dependent emotionally on him.. I know I love him, and I know I am in love with him, but I am still very gaurded. I can not take falling for him and in a few months breaking up because the "spark is gone" or "things just aren't working." I hate to have that negativity in the relationship, but I haven't really talked about it with him. Things are good so I'm not going to mess them up by worrying or overanalyzing. Things are so very good. In fact, they have never been so good.

In other news, my girl turns 3 on Tuesday! Her party is tomorrow and I have invited a few of her friends to come bowling tomorrow. How crazy is it that my tummy was the size of a basketball this time 3 years ago!? The things that have happened in the last 3 years.. NUTS!

I don't really have much to complain about. Even though my life is about to change drastically. Maybe I just don't care. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet. I think I'm a little excited. It's hard to tell, I'm so focused on school and getting good grades that the rest of everything doesn't really phase me too much. Oh snap!

Good night and happy thoughts.

An Island of Reality in an Ocean of Diarrhea

For the past few weeks I have been obsessed with Jason Mraz's Details in the Fabric. It's one of those songs that just reaches in and touches my soul. Seriously, the song is like crack.
I have been trying to sort out my emotions toward a certain someone, and it's somewhere between: what-the-hell?! and, I still love him. The latter is a huge problem because he does not love me back. Again. I don't know how, but I find myself in these situations where I would do anything for a guy and he just doesn't reciprocate the feeling. I know that. He knows that. He knows I know that. What.the.hell.is.wrong.with.me?
I have also been informed that I am self-centered. Twice in one week, by two completely different people thousands of miles apart. It must be true. Bad week for the ego and self-esteem alike.
One of the intern girls came over for dinner tonight. I was attempting to put up the Christmas tree when the bottom quarter of the lights refused to work. So I decided to go out and buy new ones and invited her for lasagne and salad. She's such a sweet girl. Nobody would ever call her self-centered... There I go comparing myself again. I should follow suit in the whole identifying myself thing. I fear I am far too dependent on other people to decifer what is really me. But, this blog is for me to really demonstrate individualism. To myself and all you random others who happen to stumble upon my page. I wonder what you think about me this far.
I occasionally hit that "next blog" button and have seen some incredible people doing amazing things with their lives. One couple retired and moved to Mexico, helping motherless puppies survive and fixing up an old mexican adobe house. Ahh, what it must be like to just pick up and go. One day.
I have so much to do and have an overwheming amount of anxiety to get it all done. Not enough hours in the day or enough dollars in the account. I hope I can make Christmas good, I wish my family and I were closer. There appears to be a negative amount of love in this house. If it weren't for my daugter, we'd all hate each other. How sad.
Can we say negativity?
I'm workin on it. Really.

Aye Carumba!

I have so much to do! I feel as if I could never possibly accomplish everything I want to with the quality effort I set out with! Can I just let out a nice, loud SCREAMM?! AH! This time of year sucks more and more the older I get. How can anyone like buying gifts for every person they love, knowing the person might not like it, AND be happy about wrapping and packing them to mail them off hoping they arrive on time? Not to mention the maddness of shopping ON top of things like FINALS, stressed out co-workers, friends, family and yours truly! I just don't get it.

Well, holy rant and rave. No idea where that came from.

I got nothing else. It's been a long day, been up since 5, worked an 8 hour shift, did hw for two hours, dinner, bath, and then hw for another 3.5 hrs. 7 more classes, 7 more classes, 7 more classes and I can have something to show.

God. Strength. Please.

Fairies are disguised as butterflies and flowers, that's why it's so strange to see one out of season....

The woman in charge at work decided to read the pre-schoolers a book without pictures about fairies and their adventures of fighting evil and saving the good fairies from an unfortunate death. The line above came straight from the book, and I kid you not, last week there was a butterfly in my room. [temperatures are below freezing, and there's a butterfly in my room?!] At first I thought it was a bit of a pest. But after about 3 days of coming into my room to my butterfly (who I named "Betsy") I began to feel sorry for the creature. No, I do not believe that my butterfly was a fairy, but I felt sorry for the little beauty as she was limited to a few days to see the world and she was trapped in my blase' room. I felt genuinely bad, so I decided to let Betsy out of my room so she could at least have the rest of the house to fly around in. I was afraid to let her outside because she would freeze in no time at all. After letting her out (careful not to touch her wings because someone told me when I was little that the oils on our hands damage the wings.. not sure if it's true.. ) I let her out and she flew around for about 20 seconds and then flew directly back into my room. That's when I decided to name her. Anyway, I haven't seen her today, so I'm sure she's dead somewhere on my floor. How sad am I to mourn the death of a butterfly...

I'm not sure why, but I'm glad I can have feelings for such an insignificant living thing. I'm glad I could never hunt, or fish because I can't even stomach killing a worm. I say this, and yet I eat meat, all meat from innocent living animals but I wouldn't if I had to kill it myself.

I am highly considering becoming a vegetarian.

Another sign?

I can't believe four days off has already passed me by. I feel as if I got a decent amount accomplished, but not enough for the time given. There was so much I could have done. I really need to change that mindset. I am quite pleased with doing about four weeks of homework in four days. Although I wish I had the attention span to do the homework during the four week span like normal people. I don't know why I procrastinate so much. It's harder to cram it all into four days than it is to just do it when it's assigned. Much more stressful as well. Another thing to add to that list of things to do to make myself perfect. I am very much aware that I will never achieve perfection. Doesn't hurt to try though, does it?

I have a memory tied to the word "perfection." Anytime I hear or use the word I always think of this night in a cozy, spacious Georgian home. If I were to live the "southern life" I would imagine I would want my home to be much like this was. Anyway, back on track. We were having a youth discussion when I was about 14 or 15, and I was tossing around my new found beliefs (I had just started going to church, and it was a whole new world for me). I'll never forget this particular question, a good friend of mine asked the youth pastor, Danny, "How do we know the Bible is real? What if the stories are just made up and it's not real?" Danny paused for a moment and with a tilted head and a half-smirk said, "If I'm right, you've gambled and lost your soul to an eternity in hell. If you're right all I've lost is a lifetime striving for perfection." Ever since that word has been tagged with that memory. I went on to accept Jesus Christ into my heart, only to reject him about two years later. I haven't talked to God in years.

I wish that memory had more meaning than it does. I wish I had a relationship with God. I wish I was gambling for Danny's side. For the first time in years, I am starting to wonder if it's possible that God does exist. It's kinda of coincidental which makes me question myself even more. It always is when someone walks into your life out of no where and lives a life for God, but doesn't even have to tell you. When you can see someone has such a relationship with God by their actions, you know that's faith. Being a Christian, I have found, is the hardest thing in the universe to do, and I have respect for people with religion. But I'm just not there yet. Christians would say that Satan has destroyed my relationship. But I'm just not there.

I really didn't intend for this blog to go there. But it's something that's been on my mind quite a lot recently...