I am learning to be a teacher. I am learning the techniques and developmental factors, I am learning how and why a child learns. I get to impact the development of children every single day. Every single day. My job is valuable. My job is important. My job is crucial. I should really stop underestimating my position in this world.
I often ask myself if this is really what I want, or if this is just my reaction to what I have been handed. I love the kids, I love the feeling of teaching I love watching them succeed and I love being the trusted adult they love and cherish. But then there are days I really ask myself if this is my niche. If this is what I'm "cut out" to do. I sometimes feel I do not have the characteristics a good teacher has.
I am so lacking in confidence.
'Ah, patience young one' you say. Is twenty-one old enough to know? Can 21 years of experience know anything? Am I taking a risk or am I settling? I feel content as long as I am doing. I am not settling or pretending to provide a happy life for myself and daughter. I am excited as hell to be in charge of my own room. I just hope I don't get bored of this like I do with things, like I do with jobs and people and so on.
Oh dearie me. Class all weekend. I'm excited, if only I could be a grown up twenty-one year old and have my homework all done. I'm learning. Always learning, trying, testing, failing, and trying again.
Friday, 26 February 2010
Friday, 5 February 2010
Emotional Trainwreck.
what.the.hell.should.I.do?
I can't stop thinking, even for a second about the choice I am faced with. Do I follow my head, again? Or, do I go with the romantic approach and go with what my heart so desperately wants? I am aching for some way to know what I should do.
I can't shake this feeling. I am on the verge of tears at any given moment, and I can say that I do not cry often.
It was never supposed to be this hard. I was not taught or prepared to deal with these kinds of scenarios. Instead I learned a bunch of pointless shit that does not help me one bit in making the biggest, hardest decisions of my life..
What the fuck is going on? I can't THINK. I can't breathe. I can't move in myself. I am so overwhelmed with life, and I can't even think clearly to sort it out.
I just don't know. I cannot find it in me to be positive when I can't even be sure of what kind of living, financial and relationship situation I will be in only 5 months. Everything is going to change.
I can't stop thinking, even for a second about the choice I am faced with. Do I follow my head, again? Or, do I go with the romantic approach and go with what my heart so desperately wants? I am aching for some way to know what I should do.
I can't shake this feeling. I am on the verge of tears at any given moment, and I can say that I do not cry often.
It was never supposed to be this hard. I was not taught or prepared to deal with these kinds of scenarios. Instead I learned a bunch of pointless shit that does not help me one bit in making the biggest, hardest decisions of my life..
What the fuck is going on? I can't THINK. I can't breathe. I can't move in myself. I am so overwhelmed with life, and I can't even think clearly to sort it out.
I just don't know. I cannot find it in me to be positive when I can't even be sure of what kind of living, financial and relationship situation I will be in only 5 months. Everything is going to change.
Saturday, 23 January 2010
So, I have not been very good at writing recently. Life has gotten the best of my time and I haven't had a second to swim in my thoughts. So much has happened and right now doesn't even feel real.
Things started getting messy when there was talk of my dad getting out of the AF earlier than expected. Now he knows for sure that he will be separating in May. That leaves me to fly the nest. To support myself and my daughter. The twinge I get just thinking about it. Will I be able to do this? And in another country? With only the few friends I have as a support system? I keep telling myself I can before I get too bogged down in the overwhelming sense of "can't." I will be moving in with a friend for a few months while her husband is deployed. After that there's no telling what may happen.
My heart has been stolen. That's right. New years eve I went to London with a guy I know from passing at work. He and I started talking (through facebook..) and he asked me to go to London with him on New Years, and I said yes. It was the most perfect date I have ever had or could ever plan. He is a single dad and an amazing one at that. He is the guy of my dreams, and for some crazy reason he likes me too! I'm just waiting for it to all to fall apart, because that's how things work for me. I am trying not to be too dependent emotionally on him.. I know I love him, and I know I am in love with him, but I am still very gaurded. I can not take falling for him and in a few months breaking up because the "spark is gone" or "things just aren't working." I hate to have that negativity in the relationship, but I haven't really talked about it with him. Things are good so I'm not going to mess them up by worrying or overanalyzing. Things are so very good. In fact, they have never been so good.
In other news, my girl turns 3 on Tuesday! Her party is tomorrow and I have invited a few of her friends to come bowling tomorrow. How crazy is it that my tummy was the size of a basketball this time 3 years ago!? The things that have happened in the last 3 years.. NUTS!
I don't really have much to complain about. Even though my life is about to change drastically. Maybe I just don't care. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet. I think I'm a little excited. It's hard to tell, I'm so focused on school and getting good grades that the rest of everything doesn't really phase me too much. Oh snap!
Good night and happy thoughts.
Things started getting messy when there was talk of my dad getting out of the AF earlier than expected. Now he knows for sure that he will be separating in May. That leaves me to fly the nest. To support myself and my daughter. The twinge I get just thinking about it. Will I be able to do this? And in another country? With only the few friends I have as a support system? I keep telling myself I can before I get too bogged down in the overwhelming sense of "can't." I will be moving in with a friend for a few months while her husband is deployed. After that there's no telling what may happen.
My heart has been stolen. That's right. New years eve I went to London with a guy I know from passing at work. He and I started talking (through facebook..) and he asked me to go to London with him on New Years, and I said yes. It was the most perfect date I have ever had or could ever plan. He is a single dad and an amazing one at that. He is the guy of my dreams, and for some crazy reason he likes me too! I'm just waiting for it to all to fall apart, because that's how things work for me. I am trying not to be too dependent emotionally on him.. I know I love him, and I know I am in love with him, but I am still very gaurded. I can not take falling for him and in a few months breaking up because the "spark is gone" or "things just aren't working." I hate to have that negativity in the relationship, but I haven't really talked about it with him. Things are good so I'm not going to mess them up by worrying or overanalyzing. Things are so very good. In fact, they have never been so good.
In other news, my girl turns 3 on Tuesday! Her party is tomorrow and I have invited a few of her friends to come bowling tomorrow. How crazy is it that my tummy was the size of a basketball this time 3 years ago!? The things that have happened in the last 3 years.. NUTS!
I don't really have much to complain about. Even though my life is about to change drastically. Maybe I just don't care. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet. I think I'm a little excited. It's hard to tell, I'm so focused on school and getting good grades that the rest of everything doesn't really phase me too much. Oh snap!
Good night and happy thoughts.
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