Another sign?

I can't believe four days off has already passed me by. I feel as if I got a decent amount accomplished, but not enough for the time given. There was so much I could have done. I really need to change that mindset. I am quite pleased with doing about four weeks of homework in four days. Although I wish I had the attention span to do the homework during the four week span like normal people. I don't know why I procrastinate so much. It's harder to cram it all into four days than it is to just do it when it's assigned. Much more stressful as well. Another thing to add to that list of things to do to make myself perfect. I am very much aware that I will never achieve perfection. Doesn't hurt to try though, does it?

I have a memory tied to the word "perfection." Anytime I hear or use the word I always think of this night in a cozy, spacious Georgian home. If I were to live the "southern life" I would imagine I would want my home to be much like this was. Anyway, back on track. We were having a youth discussion when I was about 14 or 15, and I was tossing around my new found beliefs (I had just started going to church, and it was a whole new world for me). I'll never forget this particular question, a good friend of mine asked the youth pastor, Danny, "How do we know the Bible is real? What if the stories are just made up and it's not real?" Danny paused for a moment and with a tilted head and a half-smirk said, "If I'm right, you've gambled and lost your soul to an eternity in hell. If you're right all I've lost is a lifetime striving for perfection." Ever since that word has been tagged with that memory. I went on to accept Jesus Christ into my heart, only to reject him about two years later. I haven't talked to God in years.

I wish that memory had more meaning than it does. I wish I had a relationship with God. I wish I was gambling for Danny's side. For the first time in years, I am starting to wonder if it's possible that God does exist. It's kinda of coincidental which makes me question myself even more. It always is when someone walks into your life out of no where and lives a life for God, but doesn't even have to tell you. When you can see someone has such a relationship with God by their actions, you know that's faith. Being a Christian, I have found, is the hardest thing in the universe to do, and I have respect for people with religion. But I'm just not there yet. Christians would say that Satan has destroyed my relationship. But I'm just not there.

I really didn't intend for this blog to go there. But it's something that's been on my mind quite a lot recently...

Sing me a pretty song, paint me a happy picture.

You know that place you go to, right before you fall asleep? The state of pure relaxation where your mind is just drifting through the days events, and your body is finally, still. Ahh bliss.

If you know how that feels, then you know what it's like to be ripped out of it by a phone call, text, a loud noise or even a thought that seemed real.

The feeling of sudden awareness, the incredible change from bliss to reality, is how I feel. I had a plan, and now I don't. I had a thought, a dream and now someone else has ripped it away and I am forced to improvise. This is life. I'm not complaining.

In other news, we had Thanksgiving today. On Friday. It was unclear who was buying the turkey, and before I knew it, it was Thursday and we were turkey-less. So I got up this morning and bought a bird, thawed it, cooked it and we had Thanksgiving on a Friday. That's how I roll.

I'm off to drift. Hopefully to drift in happy, stress-free thoughts. But you can still call...

I won!

Today at work, I won a gift basket!! I'm just thrilled that I actually won. I never win.

I also found out that my dad put in to retire in September. Since he is opting to retire early, Lt. Col. JerkHead will probably drop all charges and leave my dad to finish out his sentence in peace.

September is going to come fast, and I have this horrible feeling that I'm not ready to go. I'm not ready to pay the bills and accumulate the debt, because, lets be honest- childcare is not a profession that pays enough to survive while in an economic crisis. For one, both Caelyn and I will not have medical insurance and if we stay here we will. England has a nationalized health care plan and I think it's great!! If the US had this, I wouldn't have been out 6 grand in medical bills because my kid got viral pneumonia and had a seizure. At 19 months she stopped breathing and turned blue. Of course I called 911, and took a 900$ trip to an ER where we sat for 7 hours (with a sick baby that just wanted to go home) took 4 x-rays (at 40$ each) and never saw a doctor, but I was charged 474$ just to get his message from a nurse. SO, GO OBAMA! I'm all for it. But it will take a long time for the states to adjust.

On another note, I don't know where I'm going to live. There are some kinda, sorta, maybe ideas that I've been tossing around. I could move to California, my "home" and live with my mom and her son and sister in her 3 bedroom condo. Or, I could move up to Indiana and stare at corn fields while my dad cleans my great-grampas house and tries to sell it. Then there's going back to Florida where Caelyn's dad is and where my dad will retire. But, I think I would like some distance between her dad and I. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't living in the same house. Or, I could stay here. I am leaning more towards staying here. Especially if I don't have my degree by the time I go. I have 7 classes left and I should be able to have it done by September, but you never know.

Decisions, decisions. I wish I wasn't so indecisive. Maybe I'll just pick a random place I've never lived and dive in. Colorado sounds nice... but if I'm going to go somewhere I've never been.. Why not Italy, or Spain? I've got a lot of thinking to do.

It Could be Worse. Everyone's still alive!

I'm sure there's a rule about blogging when you're angry. Or scared. Or like you want to beat someone over the head with a baseball bat. Or when you want to beat a Lt. Col. over the head with a baseball bat. Or feeling any "negative" emotion stronger than normal.

Some people are just the nasty slushy snow out to ruin a pretty picture. This person just so happens to be a COMMANDER that can do whatever he pleases with whomsoever lives he pleases. This commander has no idea about me, or my daughter or that the person he's mad at is my dad, my lifeline for the time being. He wants to force my dad to retire from the airfoce in April of 2010 when he's not due to retire until Feb 2011. This may be selfish, but this is such a HUGE setback for me! I'm not ready.

And the reason this good for nothing dirty playing fool wants to do this?

Drum roll please....

My dad used his government card ON ACCIDENT for a twenty dollar purchase. That's right folks, ruining lives and causing months, possibly years of financial and academic setbacks for 20 dollars. Some people have no souls.

So yes, Lt. Col ____ ROT IN HELL. (names are not used to protect the guilty)

I'm still angry. But I digress. In other news, I found 45$ of my $160 stolen dollars in my brothers wallet last night. I also found an ipod, "To Brandon, Merry Christmas - Love Mom and Dad." My brothers name is not Brandon. I have a thieving brother. Don't thieves grow up to GO TO JAIL? I thought so. How could he be so ignorant? Anyway, I am returning the ipod to his school in the hopes that it is returned to its rightful owner. My 16 year old brother decided to throw a fit when he opened his wallet this morning. Reminded me a lot of when he was 3. I have a strange feeling that he is never going to grow up, and that he really is on a path of destruction. I've tried tough love, I've tried talking to him like an adult. I've tried nurturing and forgetting about the things he does without conscience. There's no getting through to him. He's as gone as the ocean is wide. I wish something would happen to him to make him realize that he's not beyond authority. That he will be caught, and prosecuted one day. Because guilty people do pay one way or another.

This is a very negative blog, and I am disappointed with myself. I have been making a very conscious effort to flip my negative thinking and have failed miserably today. Life has a way of doing that to people. I want to be the person that is smiling even though I've just had my heart broken. I want to be optimimistc when the world is ending, I want to pull it together and be stronger than I've ever been. Because, while there is no doubt in my mind that everything will work out in the end, I let the stress run me over and the fear consume me and start thinking the worst.

So, here's to a better day tomorrow. May the anger melt away, and the fear subside. Let positive-ness wash over me and wisdom to make the right choices be within reach.

Keep left.

You know, I don't deny that I have an addictive personality. I smoke and have tried numerous times to quit.. but I always go back. Certain people in my life I can't seem to cut out because I am addicted to the way they make me feel. This is the third blog in 24 hours and I am addicted to writing for the time being. I read a quote today that has been stuck in my head all day. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. I have been so very reckless, almost destructive with my heart. I have tried and tried to understand why I just can't walk away from people who do nothing good for my heart. But now I know it's because I have an addiction. How do you cure such an addiction? So far, all I have is will-power and sometimes it lets me down. How disappointing! What I wouldn't give to be a kid like the ones in the picture who's only dilema was the temperature of the frigid English ocean... Anyway, I just needed to get that out there.

The birthday party was good! Although I think the parent of the birthday girl got the party consultant fired, and for good reason. He didn't do his job, end of story. But it still sucks to get fired. I should know. That's right, I was FIRED. It was a waitressing job and I said some things to a manager I should not have. Some choice words about being on the clock for 14 hours without a break and still only being paid $3.71 an hour. I'm glad I lost that job though. I love my job now and I have direction in my life. Children absolutely fascinate me!

Speaking of direction, wouldn't it be nice to have a Tom Tom telling you where to go in life to get to your destination?
Keep right.

For 2.5 years go straight on.

Left turn ahead.

Make a U-turn when possible.

At the round-about take the third exit towards prince charming.

Go straight on.

Keep left toward Happily Ever After with all your dreams come true.

But, that would be way to easy. I would surely be lost without my Tom Tom in this country. It's one of my favorite inventions so far.. Apart from the Internet and lap-top computers of course. Oh, and then there's electricity and warm water that I am also greatly thankful for.

Anyway, that's all I got for now.

Deuces.

Oh Prince Charming, where are you?!

Okay. So here's the deal:

Single: check

Young: check

Cute: check (not vain, I've just been told. A lot.)

Obviously I'm on the market.. No No No. That just sounds derogatory and desperate, let me try that again.

I am an available young, attractive woman. Not to mention intelligent and open to compromise. I am understanding and I am not the type of person who always thinks I'm right. I will admit when I am wrong. Not to be a Debbie downer, but my experience with men has knocked my self-esteem down to the red zone and made me feel inadequate and all around frustrated. I am so used to saying "It's my fault" to avoid arguments, I take the blame for things that aren't even my fault! It's time to stand up for myself dammit! But again, I find myself single. And aching over someone who wasn't willing to put up with the flaws, which is a flaw in itself...

I do not feel as if I require a man in my life to complete it. In fact, I very much prefer my single status after the messes I've been in. I am having a hard time understanding why all the fish in the sea thus far are guppies! It must be me! I have high standards and I am picky about who I spend my time around. But wow. I have really picked some duds as far as relationships go. This is not to say that I am not at fault. Because I am in fact at fault for my last failed relationship.

I'm thinking I should swear off relationships. My heart can't take much more. When, and if, I finally do find that person, he doesn't deserve a broken, tattered heart. After all, whoever he is, he will be taking on a single mom, and so far nobody has met the challenge. :] I am going to take a break from hoping, and I am going to start focusing more on mine and my daughter's relationship. She's getting older now and she needs me to be there for her. I am always there for her, but I need to direct my focus on her instead of just being there.

On another note, New Moon came out this weekend. I read the whole saga in a month and I would have liked to have seen the movie today with the rest of the world. But it's all good, I'm pretty sure I didn't need to have 30 and 40 year old women drooling on me over the characters. I'll never understand lusting after a TV character. I am truly a believer in beauty is only skin deep. I can't be bothered to waste my time fantasizing over a fictional character. I mean yeah, we all have our celebrity crushes, mine is Patrick Dempsey, but the who-haw that's going around about Jacob and Edward is sickening. To the point where I think people might start fighting over them.. It's barbaric.

So, this is a blog...

I have always been interested in writing about the things and events of my life. However, I've never felt I was witty or creative enough to be considered a blogger. But, I don't think it matters? I do feel a bit uncomfortable putting myself out there, but this is something I want to do for me, I have nothing to prove to anyone. I would be lying if I said I don't care what you think, because I care it just doesn't matter if I'm not up to some standard the world has set... Anyway, I am taking an administration class right now and I learned some surprising facts. In England some 13 million work days are lost a year due to stress. One way to relieve stress is to vent, and I am aware that I do not do a lot of venting. I'm mostly a listener, and I truly feel as if I'm gossiping or dumping my problems on someone when I vent. So I think this blog will serve a beneficial purpose. I always liked the idea of venting through writing but there is not one poetic bone in me. I find it exciting that a stranger could read what I write and maybe relate. Maybe I can blindly give advice (in a been there, done that sense) and someone out there will be helped. I'm a helper.

It's a curse.

I am going to try and keep this a slightly humorous, positive blog. I am also going to try to stick with it because I believe I will learn a lot about myself if I bare all and really think about what's going on inside my head. I appreciate any and all comments and encourage constructive criticism.

I am a single mommy and holy buckets the things kids say and do! I am also pursuing my degree in early child development and working as a pre-school teacher on a military base. A lot of funny things happen to me. I'll talk a lot about random things because I have a hard time keeping my train of thought.. I was an ADD kid* and I can definitely see it rearing its ugly head when I am given a task that requires focus and attention. I have lost a lot of passions that way.

Right, I was going to tell you a funny thing that happened. Two days ago at work a few of my preschool girls were washing their baby dolls in the water table. Some of our dolls have the correct male anatomy and I overheard one particularly spunky little girl (age 4) say, "My babies are having sex!" WHAT?! My reaction could not have been contained if you put me in front of a thousand people all eyes on me. I was shocked! She's four years old and her peers are using the S-E-X word?! I am appalled. And, more so, scared! My daughter will be 3 in 2 months!! I remember being six and clearly thinking sex meant extra long kisses! I am scared for the generation my child will grow up with. It's just so early for this. I wish there was a button that could be turned on (at 30) that tells us everything we need to know about sex, love, and all the great things that happen when the two things don't come hand in hand and a baby is born.

Heartache.

I will share much more on the subject of the lack of love (and sex) in my life and the abundance of wonderful, beautiful, smart, mostly innocent and loving children I am surrounded by every day. For now, I have to get some rest, I have a birthday party to attend tomorrow!

Princesses welcome!

*correction, child with ADD.. the child comes before the diagnoses.. just something to think about